Category Archives: Improving Relationship

Finding Joy in Relationships

Let Go of Failure! Move forward! Live boldly!

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“What do you mean?” My voice quivered that morning and I’m sure my eyes had that deer in the headlights look. The customer service agent was patient as she explained once again. “You booked your flight for 9PM instead of 9AM.” Again, I just stared at her. Mistakes like this don’t happen to me. I’m careful, I’m cautious and I double check everything. Then I remembered – that night I spent hours searching for a low airfare. When this one popped up on my computer screen, its low price entranced me and I booked it. In my haste, I didn’t check the actual departure time.

A line of impatient customers formed in back of me while I held back tears. Fortunately, the customer service agent offered me a solution. She would check my luggage and put me on the wait list for the next flight. A glimmer of hope, which was immediately dashed when she said, “This is a popular destination. Most of today’s flights are overbooked. You still might not get out until 9PM. Good luck.”

Walking towards my gate, a torrent of tears flooded my face. I felt utterly defeated, stupid and shamed. I failed. Disgrace poked holes in my confidence. My tears grew stronger. How did I let this happen? How would I explain my failure to my friends who were expecting me at noon and not midnight?

Entering the waiting area, a torrent of wetness flowed down my face. I heard God whisper, “Let it go! Give it to me.” My heart answered, “I can’t, Lord. I’m trying to, but I can’t release my failure.” For a few minutes, I wrestled with God. I was so deeply engrossed in telling God how I couldn’t surrender this fiasco to him, I almost missed the gate agent calling my name over the intercom. Moments later, with a boarding pass in hand, I was still berating myself for this misstep. Yet the tears had subsided and I understood more fully why God was telling me to liberate my inadequacies.

This side of heaven, we will never have total victory, but we will have some. Each and every day, God is transforming you, changing you, remaking you in his image. Paul wrote to the Philippians, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

My bigger mistake was not handing my failure over to the God who loved me enough to say “let it go.” In that airport, instead of crying, I should have handed my broken scars back to my heavenly Father. Let go of my insecurity and taken hold of my true identity as a child of God. Let go of my shame – of the feeling no one would love me just the way I am – and taken hold of the grace God was offering me.

When victory, even a small one like this, becomes yours, celebrate them! Don’t miss them as I almost did that day beating myself up for my failure. Seize the victories. Rejoice! Move forward and off of those self-deprecating thoughts. Don’t let failure overcome your heart – celebrate the times when victory is yours!

Celebrate the times when life hands you victory out of defeat.

Celebrate when you didn’t answer a curt word with one of your own.

Celebrate when you forgot the milk at the grocery store and didn’t call yourself a failure.

Celebrate when you didn’t yell at your kids or your husband for leaving their stuff cluttering the living room.

Celebrate the time taken just for you to gain perspective on the day rather than enter it feeling defeated, dragged down and disgusted.

Live boldly knowing God honors your progress and offers grace for the times you fall short.

Stop feeling you’re not good enough, not smart enough, not lucky enough, or just not enough, period. Let go of the feelings that sabotage your confidence, move forward into the arms of God and live courageously knowing God has taken hold of you. Then boldly celebrate all the small victories in your life.

Nothing Else in the World

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I never questioned her loyalty until that day. Since the time I purchased her, Lily, my German Shepherd, had developed endearing qualities to proclaim her loyalty. One of my favorites always remains the time she and my husband, Richard, were walking through our neighborhood. Driving past them on my way home from the grocery store, I stopped for a second to call out a hello. With that accomplished, I resumed driving home until in my rearview mirror, I noticed Lily hated my departure. She was pulling my husband up the hill in attempt to catch up with me. In order to prevent Richard from having a heart attack, I stopped and waited until both were in the car.

On that day at the doggie park, Lily wasn’t showing any loyalty. It was her favorite spot on earth, and she did not want to leave. So instead of obeying my command to come, she bolted away. For over 15 minutes, I pleaded with her to obey or at least get close enough for me to grab her collar. She was so disobedient that even went I left her alone in the park, she wouldn’t come to the gate so we could go home.

I sometimes can see myself in Lily’s behavior. I have a tendency to want my own way, to be disloyal to my friends when it suits me. Which isn’t to say I’m a back-stabbing traitor. No, it means sometimes I miss out on the joys of being a reliable friend.

Lily and I have a strong bond, yet she hurt me. I wanted her close by me, to listen to what I said, to enjoy following me. That’s what friends do. You stick close by, you listen to what your friend says, you laugh when they laugh and cry when they cry. Being a loyal friend means your relationship makes you stronger than you would be without it. You love harder, laugh louder, live richer and become more together than you could ever be by yourselves.

This isn’t for the faint of heart, much like trying to train a dog – which I sadly found out that day. Life is full of twists and turns and staying in step with someone else is not easy. We struggle to be vulnerable to another especially when the way we want to go isn’t the same as our friends. We battle with ways of feeling safe, secure and significant with another all the while trying to get our own needs met. We tend to want our hurts to be addressed rather than helping others through theirs. It is so difficult to lay your heart into someone’s hands and say, “I trust you with all of this,” and have that person do the same.

There are times in our friendships when we must heed to the other person’s instructions. Lily lacked the perspective I did. A treat was awaiting her at home, along with her dinner and an evening of warm snuggles. It was time to leave the park to enjoy some of these other delights.

Proverbs 18: 24 tells us, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Friendships never just happen – they are forged. They are knit together by leaning into each other, by staying close, by experiencing life’s bitter and sweet moments together. And it means standing by one another even when disappointment sets in.

I eventually got a leash on Lily and we went home to an enjoyable evening. Despite her unfaithfulness, I remained loyal to her, but I learned to create a fulfilling friendship, sometimes you have to work at it – sometimes you have to chase after it. It’s worth it, because being close to another human being matters like nothing else in the world.

Overcoming the Winter Blues

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I dread winter – even living in southern California. Oh, I know my situation has changed dramatically since moving from the harshness of the season in the upper Midwest, yet I still hate being cold.

How I wish I could return to the love of winter I felt as a youngster. I’d eagerly anticipate its arrival mostly because I loved ice skating on the outdoor rink created on a nearby park’s frozen football field. I’d love when fresh snow fell and the world seemed subdued, quieter, more unhurried somehow. As a child, when we drove a long distance in the car, my father always gave my sister, brother and I a blanket to snuggle under. Those things were heaven on earth when I was in grammar school.

Now when the skies turn gray and the temperatures dip, I feel everything becomes too slow and too burdensome. I don’t want rise in the morning, to free myself from the cozy cocoon under my electric blanket to launch myself into my cold bedroom. On some days, it takes all the strength I can muster to get dressed. Even here in California, I suffer with the winter blues – a general lack of motivation and direction. And I start to envy those bears that hibernate all winter.

You feel it, also, don’t you? So many of you have shared similar feelings how the dreary, chilly weather gets you down.  Trying some new things – and some older things – have helped me become more proactive when the winter blues attempt to pull me down.

Here’s a few fun ideas to put a smile back on your face despite the bone-chilling cold:

  • Select your favorite song, turn the stereo up and dance!
  • Go to youtube, download a new workout app and get your blood pumping a little faster.
  • Read an inspirational book.
  • Dust off your journal and spend some time each day writing about pleasant memories that bring you joy.
  • Take a hot shower and loudly sing your favorite worship song. Who cares if the neighbors can hear you?
  • Snuggle up to a fireplace. If you don’t have one in your home, you can find them in some restaurants, libraries and hotels.
  • Do something kind to someone else – especially if you know someone whose heart is still broken over a recent loss.
  • Visit your favorite museum or art gallery.
  • Plan your next vacation. Research the destination online or through travel books from your local library.
  • Try a new recipe. If you like it, share it with your friends.
  • Visit an indoor conservatory and marvel at the landscape under glass.
  • Make yourself a cup of hot chocolate – don’t spare the whipped cream. Then call a friend you haven’t connected with in a long time.

This is not an exhaustive list by any means. If you go to God in prayer, He has ideas perfectly suited to you and your personality. If you spend some time with Him this week, I’m sure He’ll whisper several suggestions into your ear. Remember Psalm 34:17 tell us: “The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.”

 Did you hear that – all their troubles? Yes, that includes those nasty winter blues!