Tag Archives: heartache

A Cocoon of Love

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This week was a difficult, stressful week. After not feeling well for about six months, I had several tests aimed at diagnosing the problem. Between the administration of a test and hearing the results, I’d wonder to myself, “Is this how God is calling me home?” It is not fun spending time pondering your own mortality. I totally agree with Joe Louis, the American athlete, who quipped, “Everyone wants to get to heaven, but no one wants to die to get there.”

gm-monarch-cocoon_24309_600x450But as I journeyed through this thorny week, I looked around and realized how tightly wrapped I was in a cocoon of love and support. The friends who knew about my medical concern spun a soft place for me to rest secured by their prayers, kind words and tender comfort. The Lord reminded me how precious people can be when rough times hit. They walked beside me, held my hand and sometimes just let me be in their presence when I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t find the words to say.

For those of you that held my hand, thank you so very much. It made a tough week more than bearable because I felt safe, cherished in the cocoon of your friendship. Please don’t stop spinning love and encouragement throughout my life and the lives of all those you encounter throughout your day.

As someone who benefitted from love being lavished on her, I’d like to remind everyone: don’t think for a moment your words didn’t matter. They did for me. For anyone who needs comfort – and don’t we all at some point – a text, a call, an email can be so powerful to someone going through a rough time.

We should never underestimate the power of love. We ought not devalue the impact of a word in a difficult season. We should never take too lightly the promise to pray. There is something about a shared burden that just makes it so much lighter.

So this week, write that letter, send that text, make the call to someone who needs a little love. When we model God’s love, we give others His nourishing words of hope and healing, we can positively affect moods, personalities and indeed the very outcome of lives. All we need do is spread a tender word to build a cocoon of love around hurting friend.

Identity

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In frustration, I finally gave up the tossing and turning and reached for the light on the nightstand. Sleep wasn’t coming easy this night. Even though both my mind and body were extremely tired, I couldn’t blissfully float off to sleep. But at least I understood why. A sadness was squeezing me; jangling my bones so profoundly I couldn’t relax.

I’d always struggled with my identity in Christ, so the words from a recent sermon were rattling me. That God sees us as completely accepted, extremely valuable, eternally loved, totally forgiven and fully capable. All I kept seeing were the mistakes, the failures, the times when people said, “You blew it. You’ll never measure up.” The last way God sees us, fully capable, caught in my throat. What about all I’d failed to do? Those times when I couldn’t even keep the promises I made to myself, much less to others. They mocked and wrecked me so much, I quickly turned off the light relieved that darkness once again covered me and my room.

user150164_pic29347_1241431293The shadows of the night momentarily grabbed a hold of me until a car rumbled down the street outside my bedroom. The lights from its headlamps pierced through the darkness of my room. Even with my shutters drawn, light invaded both the night’s inky blackness and the gloom around my soul. And then it hit me – the promise of God: “The Lord will be your everlasting light.”

I love these words from Isaiah because they reminded me no matter how late I was up that night, the light of day was coming. They promised action on the part of our loving God. God is near. He is not absent from this earth. He is working – illuminating our world. God is working life out on our behalf, even when all we see is darkness.

My gloom started to lighten as another thought stuck me. How far I’ve come…how my story includes, yes, many a misstep, but also times when I tasted the sweet thrill of victory. I reflected about how my story changed once I embraced Him. And He is still writing my story. My life in small ways was reflecting back His glory. Yours is also.

In that momentary flash of headlights, God reminded me he is right beside me. The sky will lighten. The sun will warm the earth again. He has the power to overcome darkness when I don’t feel okay. None of us need to stay ensconced in darkness, when God will light our path. He is impacting our lives every day moving us towards a magnificent finale when there will be no darkness, no doubts, no tears.

My Apologies

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As Christians, we often talk about the broken world. Since the 4th of July, I’ve personally experienced this when my body broke down. For a few days, I thought I’d caught a common cold until the symptoms were no longer common and eventually drove me to seek medical help. As the doctor patiently explained how sick I was, she also brought the good news that I’d be feeling better soon.

naturepathObviously her definition of soon and mine aren’t the same because here it is almost eight weeks later and I’m still ill. Getting better, for sure, but still reeling from the fatigue, from being numb to the world, shut in from enjoying things I love and trying to understand why this illness caught me.

There were nights I prayed to God mostly to reach out and grab hold of Someone who could heal. In the darkness, I’d question Him. “Why?” I’d cry out struggling sometimes to breathe through the coughing, focusing solely on myself and my needs.

Despite my self-absorption, God was always there. I’d feel the warmth of His love in those moments of despair. In the middle of my doubts, His love covered me, even when the voice inside told me I will never be well again, during the times I tried to reason away His love, He was still there.

There were times when I didn’t like the person I was during this illness. They balanced out the times when I liked myself more – when I was more patient, more empathetic, more thankful for the health of earlier times. But in the illness, I learned you have to keep running to your Maker. Even when I was afraid for my life, that there was only this illness and very little else, God was with me whenever my fear seemed overwhelming.

Isaiah 55: 12 – 13 says, “There will be no more sickness or dying, and all that’s sad will come to an end. You’ll hear it then—how the mountains will shout for the everlasting joy being born, the thorns in the thickets will no longer grow, and all the trees in the field will clap their hands.”

Even though this world is broken, and I along with it, it is still good. There is beauty here. God is glorified throughout the day. I found Him in the phone calls from friends, the offers of food, the cards, the prayers. Despite how my illness miniaturized my world to my bed, I never had to go hunting for the joy of His ways.

My apologies to you that I haven’t written since early July, but I also thank you for your grace of letting me heal, of sweet recovery and most of all, of experiencing Jesus as doctor – the one who heals not only my broken body, but my broken soul. The fallen world is still fallen and we as the Body of Christ cannot stop it. But when we show up, when we shine our shaft of light through the darkness, when we bring the warmth of a greater love, we show the world that wounds can be openings to the Beauty within us.

Today, I am praying that you will keep showing up, keep looking up, keep courageously letting your life be a spark for God’s glory.