Starting Over

Where did this last month go? In between completing several projects and normal day-to-day activities, I feel I lost an entire month. Oh, I have some accomplishments to show for the time stolen from me via busyness. But towards the end of the month, I began to doubt myself, to beat up on myself, to wonder why I even try sometimes.

When I get this busy, I feel estranged from God. And a chilling panic sets in, that I’ll never be the woman God is calling me to be. Not only don’t I enjoy life, but I let it knock me down, paralyze me with regret and leave me wanting to spend the day in bed.

Almost everyone on the planet deals with the twin giants of regret from past failures and fear of failing in the future. They cause insecurity and self-doubt. Rushing through my days under pressure from deadlines is the reason behind my greatest defeat: letting my failures, sins and broken relations force me into throwing in the towel – into believing my dreams aren’t worth pursuing. Or that I don’t have the ability to breathe them into existence. I rush and push myself through the days and not get what I want. That’s because God gives me beauty all around, yet I fail to see His divinity in the mundane. I don’t see His love shimmering through a cold drink, a dog to snuggle close to at night, a text from someone inviting me into their day. I lose sight of His glory and replace it with my fears.

handsSo I think God had me (and you) in mind when He says in Psalms 37:23-34: The steps of good men (and women) are directed by the Lord. He delights in each step they take. If they fall, it isn’t fatal for the Lord holds them with his hand. Instead of giving into our fears, Jesus wants to empower us to overcome them. Because when we fail, He stretches out His hand and offers to help us up.

In getting up, we can set a new course. We can try again despite all our mistakes, maybe because our mistakes have made us stronger, given us wisdom, shown us a better path. Because we believe our steps are truly determined by the Lord, even when we fail, God is there holding us up and providing strength to wipe off the shame and begin once again.

When I get up again, I find myself more of the confident woman God created me to be purely because I’ve gone to Him for help. God understands the wounds of my self-doubt. Even when the beauty of our relationship fades into the busyness of my life, He is there beside me whispering, “I see your wounds. They are not invisible. Your wounds have value to me.”

That’s when relief spreads through my aching muscles and tired bones. A relationship with God is not about being perfect. It’s about growing more dependent on His perfect love. It is opening up, taking His hand and allowing Him the space in my heart to let His power work in me. Every time I depend on Him, I become more of what I was meant to be. And instead of giving in to fear and self-doubt, I choose to joyfully take His hand, get up and start all over again.

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