My Broken Heart

Today is awful, confusing and brings with it a kind of pain difficult to describe in words. Richard left for Chicago yesterday, so again I’m alone. The house feels empty and cold without his presence. Even Lily, our dog, is wandering through it hoping to find Richard hiding somewhere, expecting he’ll be ready to play once she finds him.

The day after he leaves is always the toughest. It’s a profound hurt with many questions piercing my heart even deeper. Are we doing the right thing? When will we be together again? Why do we have to wait to be together? What will our future be like?

Self-doubt swirls in my brain until I want to scream out, “I can’t live another day like this. I can’t live without his touch, his help, his presence.”

I know. There are worse things in life than this self-imposed separation. When my attitude becomes too fatalistic, I think of military spouses who send their loved ones into combat zones. Last time I checked, Chicago was still much safer than Kabul. But we all have things we’ve dreamed of and longed for and not gotten when we wanted them.

My heart floods with doubts and with them the desire to run back to bed, pull the covers over my head and forget the world exists. The questions intensify –

“Will things ever go our way?”

“When will my life get better?”

“Where is the confidence I had when I made the decision to move to California?”

Through the pangs of loneliness, I cry out to God knowing I can’t live without His touch, His help, His presence. And in His word, I find comfort, “Then you will know that I am the Lord. Those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” (Isaiah 49:23) Slowly, my qualms evaporate since it is not possible to dwell in God’s hope and still cling to doubt.

And then God reminds me, I moved here with a confident heart because He was in my decision. He provided the hope life could be abundant, even when Richard and I are apart. God doesn’t want me to doubt now because it would erode my success, community and belonging.  And that’s not the way He wants me to live my life.

No, instead He wants my life to reflect back His strength and power. He simply desires that I throw my doubts back to him and cover myself in His strength. For only then can my confident heart move forward united with God’s loving promises to me.

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