Tag Archives: heartache

Torment, Torture and Terror

I started envying people who live in grass huts. Everything they own, everything they need in a small, compact place.

Our home’s closing date was looming just as large as the piles of stuff waiting to be sorted, packed or disposed of. When did we acquire so much?

move 001Never did I realize how taxing it would be – emotionally, physically and mentally draining – to pack up a house. Three weeks were filled with torment, torture and terror because it seemed impossible to vacate our home on time. Even a week and a half after the sale, I want to chase the quiet and just relax, but despite having the burden of packing lifted, my to-do list is long. It feels like it is constantly screaming at me, “Keep working. You have too much to do to relax.”

I am tired – down to my bones tired. I wish I could say I am also fine. But I’m not…really.

Life goes that way somehow. One of my greatest talents is organization, but I’m so disorganized right now along with being completely tapped out. I’ve been running on empty for too long.

My ever-growing to-do list probably looks similar to yours. Tell me, do you cross off an activity only to have it replaced with two more things? Somehow, you make a conscious decision to slow down, to enjoy life instead of being project-minded, to linger and enjoy, but then life crashes in and speeds up. In the end, it drags you along – like a raging river, you just can’t control the force.

There is a promise in the Bible I need to hear and believe, even more than I need a really long nap. You might need it also in the beginning of this New Year. Matthew 11:26 – Come to me all you who are weary and heavily burdened and I will give you rest.

I can’t honestly tell you the last time I slept well, but I can tell you I need rest. Come to Me and rest. Oh, how that word delights my soul right now: rest, rest, rest! What a gift from God. When I meditate on that verse, it is if He is standing right next to me saying, “I see you. I know you are tired. I know your body aches from all the work. I know you are trying to give your best to others in the middle of a chaotic time. But it is time to rest in Me.”

God provided so much during that time of hurried packing, cleaning and worrying. One of the greatest gifts was amnesia. No kidding. So many pleasant memories permeated that house. My heart was pained selling it. I dreaded closing day, of walking away from the joyous life lived there. Yet, when that day arrived, when the time came to drive away from the house one last time, I have no memory of it. Seriously!

It sounds silly, but He provided a means to slip away from our home without an emotional upheaval. And once we got to the hotel where we spent the last night in Chicago, there was time to savor the beautiful, crazy, loving memories of that house. God provided. It is what He does…it is what He did…it is who He is.

Just as He did mine, he understands your struggles. He sees you trying to make ends meet, of rising early and working late, of the questions you have – the ones that keep you up at night. He knows when you are scared, unsure and nervous. Still, He is always there beside us. We need only let our roots sink deeper into Him.

“Come to me,” He says.

In the midst of the disorganization, the exhaustion and the uncertainty, I’m resting in Him.

And all I can answer is, “I’m coming.”

Stuck

For months, I’d been encouraging people (especially women) to enlarge their vision of the power of God. Too often, we limit God’s strength based our preconceptions, our disappointment in unanswered prayer or even the shame from our past. God is vast, unlimited, able to do incredible things in our lives. He is wild and untamable. Nothing is as formidable as our God.

Then it came time for me to put my money where my mouth was…

Driving from Illinois to California, our car broke down on I-40 about 50 miles west of Oklahoma City. Read: literally in the middle of nowhere. When the car coasted to a stop, I heard the devil whispering in my ear, jeering at me, “Let’s see how great your God is now.”

image003Both my husband and I were confused, frustrated and disoriented. We didn’t know anyone in Oklahoma who could help us, had never been in this situation and felt an almost heart-shattering longing to be home. Neither of us was operating at our best as one decision after another had to be made.

But God was there… At every turn, His blessings abounded.

When we called AAA to be towed, our driver was a friendly Okie, who not only took the car to a repair shop, did his best to find us a rental car and directed us to a local hotel.

That hotel had a huge sign in the lobby, “No pets allowed.” Since we were traveling with an adult German Shepherd and this was the only hotel in walking distance, the rule could have meant sleeping under the stars in a nearby park. When I explained our situation to the hotel clerk, she graciously rented a room to us and Lily.

In the morning, we found the shop didn’t do the type of repairs needed, so we had the car towed again to a fantastic repair shop owned by Christians. The type of people who didn’t hide their faith – that was obvious when you walked in. They not only provided guidance about the car repair, but when the time came to pay the bill, sliced the amount owed substantially.

Because the car was moved closer to Oklahoma City, I randomly picked a new hotel off the internet. This one ended up being about a mile away from a wonderful lake and recreation area that even had a doggie park for Lily. When I checked in, the hotel clerk upgraded our room – without any knowledge of the stress we were under.

When renting a car, I booked a compact car thinking we’d only be using it to tool around Oklahoma City for a few days. Once at the agency, they asked if it would okay to upgrade us to a Jeep for the same price. This ended up being crucial, because it was the Jeep we eventually drove back to California and the vehicle provided just enough room for our luggage and dog supplies.

The list goes on, but at every juncture, people went out of their way to help us, be kind to us, show us graciousness, even if they didn’t know the burdens we were bearing.

Being stuck is frustrating, confusing and emotionally taxing. Still, God shows up. We were never alone. Despite the devil’s taunts, God’s blessings were too many to count.

If you are stuck, here are some helpful suggestions to get you moving again.

Give yourself freedom to mourn – Too often we gloss over our feelings of loss. But denying feelings is emotionally unhealthy. Trust God as much as you can and allow yourself to feel your grief inside of His tender, loving embrace.

Give thanks for all the good – It would have been very easy to hold a pity party at the side of the interstate. Looking for the good, like a friendly clerk or a safe place to sleep at night, keeps you positive and makes moving forward easier.

Control the things you can – Realize your decisions can make positive changes, but let go of the things over which you have no control. I had no control over how long we were stuck in Oklahoma, but I could control my attitude towards it. Every morning I woke up thinking of new adventures to experience in a city I’d basically only driven through instead of moping in our hotel room.

Give others grace – One thing I am most proud of is despite the stress both Richard and I were under, we never argued, never fought and never blamed the other. We both understood how much grace God gives us and we just followed His lead.

Look forward to God’s surprises – He plants so many of them along our path. Don’t be amazed by them; anticipate them as you move through our day.

Remember where the finish line is – We both understood this was a temporary setback. Granted there were times when we thought we’d never get through it…when it seemed just too daunting. Knowing our ultimate finish line wasn’t California, but is heaven brought a beauty to what could have been a very ugly time. So every day, run well and enjoy the scenery along the way.

I’m not sure what has you stuck, but step out boldly into a freefall towards His grace. He will catch you. He always will.

 

No Pain, No Gain

The Olympic Games are so thrilling. The drama played out in sports is so exciting. The life stories of the athletes are awe-inspiring – especially those who come to the games well-trained and highly disciplined, but knowing they will never medal. They are ecstatic just to be at this once every four year gathering of the best of the best.

Olympic-RingsFor several years, I worked at a small organization whose CEO was one of those Olympians. Jim was a decathlete in the 1988 Olympics, setting several national records but not winning a medal. When asked how he trained for the Games, Jim described rigorous morning workouts that left him so physically exhausted he could hardly move. He talked about endless weight room sessions. He recounted how he would punish his body over and over again in order to build his personal endurance, stamina and strength. Jim continually pushed his body to extreme levels, sometimes to the point where he would throw up after practice. Yet, he considered these practices absolutely necessary to compete at this level. His quick answer when asked why was the old adage, “No pain, no gain.”

The same is true for Christians as we seek to attain a Christ-like character. This morning, I begged God to keep me on His path: Don’t let me get blown off course by this world, or worse, because I want to do life my way. Living the unchallenged, pleasure-filled, easy-going life the world tells us is best isn’t going to develop our spiritual and moral muscles. In my life, it’s been the hardships and struggles that have caused me to drop my selfishness and bend my heart towards God’s love, wisdom and grace. During those times Christ walked so closely to me that my character changed. The pain diverted me away from the never-ending tasks keeping me from hearing God’s voice and doing what God prepared for me to do. In those times, I ran to Jesus and laid my burdens at His feet, knowing He Himself would provide the solutions.

Normally, I walk somewhere between darkness and light, questions and answers. But in difficult times, I grasp tightly to Christ. Romans 5: 3-4 states, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and character, hope.” When I struggle, my faith grows knowing He will remain faithful. Even in the chaotic times, I remember He holds the victory and that my story ultimately has a happy ending.

So as Christians, we should truly understand, especially where spiritual growth is concerned, there is no gain without pain. Jesus knew this. He suffered greatly while on earth – misunderstood, constantly tested by the religious leaders of the time, all the while pointing his life toward Jerusalem knowing He would die a brutal death there. Yet, He remained obedient to His Father’s will. And if the Son of God suffered to gain, why shouldn’t it be more true for us?

Here’s an uncommon way of approaching what pains you today. Make a list of the struggles currently keeping you up at night. Then consider the character traits that could be developed as you walk through these difficulties with God.  Lastly, thank God for loving you enough to allow the circumstances of your life to mold your character so you’ll be more like Jesus.

May we always whisper our doubts to Jesus and lay our burdens at His feet, knowing He Himself is our answer. Remember: No pain, no gain!